And the winner of the Andrea's Birthday Poetry Contest is...

Allison Ellsworth. For this beauty:

Happy birthday to an awesome young lady.
I'd say you were fly, if I were Slim Shady.

If I were a Ninja Turtle, I'd say that you're awesome.
If it were somehow complimentary, I'd call you a possom.

If I were a gangsta, I'd say you da bomb.
And ballin', and tight; then I'd insult your mom.

If I spoke almost no English I'd still tell you you're super.
And you're definitely more amazing than a Star Wars storm trooper.

If I were studying for the GRE, I might call you callipygean and pulchritudinous.
But I won't, because nothing rhymes with that.

Sorry Mom, but "Roses are red. Violets are blue. My baby girl got married, and turned twenty-two," just didn't make the cut. And sorry to all of you who weren't aware of the contest since it was only invented today, nearly a week after my birthday, because I decided Allison's poem was so awesome it needed a contest to win.

On another birthday note: My sweet grandmother called to wish me a happy birthday on November 13th. I decided not to tell her that she was off by a day when in our conversation she mentioned how sad she was that she completely forgot her daughter's birthday earlier this month and how hard it is to be losing her memory as she's getting older.

Why My Husband Is The Best

Trevor, looking sadly at the computer: You didn't write a new blog post.
Me: No, I haven't.
Trevor, looking sadly at me: Don't you love me at all?

In an effort to prove to my husband (who apparently takes the frequency of my posts more seriously than I ever thought) that I do in fact love him, here is a post. And to strengthen the argument past breaking, this post will be about how much I love him. So take this, Trev:

(I apologize in advance to those that get uncomfortable when things get mushy.)

Reasons I Love Trevor, My Darling Husband

• I've never been told so many times that I am pretty, smart, fun, ect. He's always overflowing with compliments and I feel like the most beautiful, appreciated woman in the world when I'm with him.
• When I ask him in the morning if he wants the sugary cereal du jour or Grape-Nuts for breakfast, nine times out of ten he picks Grape-Nuts because he takes his fiber intake very seriously, even though, as we all know, Grape-Nuts is basically a discussion on 18th century European economics in your mouth. But he never judges me for choosing Fruity Pebbles for myself.
• He loves our cats as much as I do. This means a lot.
• He makes me laugh. He can still catch me off-guard quite often and we just have a grand time.
• When someone around us makes a grammatical or logical error, we always look at each other and know exactly what the other person is thinking.
• He gets really excited about things that he likes. His whole body lights up when a song he likes comes on or when he sees a toy/gadget he likes at the store. He lives his life with such a passion that it's never boring to be around him.
• He thinks nearly every woman is beautiful. It used to make me jealous somewhat when he'd comment about some random girl on the bus, "She has sexy hair," or about some friend of mine "She looks really good in that dress," but as time has gone on and I've grown more secure, I've realized that it's just good old-fashioned appreciation of beauty, and I admire his ability to find the attractive in everyone. And I love to see the smiles when he compliments my friends or mother or sisters on how they look.
• He has the cutest dimples. This was one of the first things I ever noticed about him and also the first thing my mother said to me about him when she met him. I want to kiss his cheeks all the time.
• He's a very generous person. He gets excited when he has an opportunity to help someone. He's the sort who always tries to give something to the homeless person, or go out of his way to walk a lost person home, or make a point to say something nice to the gloomy-looking person. He's always on the lookout for ways to be helpful and is a huge example to me in that regard.
• Often when I'm falling asleep at night, Trevor will cuddle up to me and whisper a line from a children's book in the sweetest, cutest voice of all time: "Hush, hush..it's sleepytime for kittens."
• He puts a good deal of time and thought into grooming and dressing himself.
• When we disagree about something, he still repsects my opinion and tries to make sure he understands why I feel/believe the way I do.

A Collection of Election Day Conversations Including, But Not Limited To: Unrealistic Expectations and Me Making A Fool of Myself in Front of a Jew

for L

Random person on the bus on election night: Man traffic is bad, aren't these people supposed to be home watching the news tonight?
Bus driver: I know that's where I'd like to be; I've been asking every person who gets on the bus which states they know have been called so far. But we won't have to worry about traffic long, it looks like Obama's going to win and before you know it, we'll be using converted military helicopters for public transportation.
Me (laughing): That's awesome.
Random person: Do you really think he could do that? I mean, we need a military, right?
Bus driver: It was a joke.
Random person: Oh.

Saudi Arabian guy who called into Talk of the World day after election: I would like to see an Obama presidency use its power to help bring democracy to the Middle East.
Neal Conan: Well, I'm sure you're aware that American efforts to bring democracy to the Middle East don't have a stellar track record.
Saudi Arabian: Yes, but America didn't have Obama before.

Guy behind me on the bus on election day, pointing at my "I Voted" sticker (or my breast): So who did you vote for?
Me: Obama.
Guy: Do you honestly think he's going to cut taxes?
Me: No, not really. But I don't mind paying taxes if it means everyone is getting health care, or more money is getting put into the education system, or whatever.
Guy, looking at me as I'd said something disgusting: Oh.

Text message Trevor received from our dear friend Francesco shortly after the election was called for Obama: ALL WHITE PEOPLE ARE TO REPORT TO THE COTTON FIELDS BY 7AM TOMORROW MORNING FOR ORIENTATION

Person in line behind me at my polling place: This is American Fork, UT, I'm probably the only person in this place who's voting for Obama.
Me: I'm voting for Obama.
Person in line in front of me: If Obama wins, I'm blaming you two when tax season comes around.
Poll worker: It's nice to see so many young people at the polls this year.
Person in line in front of me: It would be if they weren't sending the country to hell in a handbasket.

Trevor shortly after coming home from voting: I voted for the Libertarian for Attorney General, just to spice things up.
Me: No way! I did the same thing!
Trevor: Got to love those races you know nothing about.
Me: When it came to the school board race, I just kind of "Uhh...I'll pick the woman." Do you ever wonder how many people's livlihood depends completely on people who come to the polls and say "Welllllll...he has a cool name"?

Coworker #1 on the day after the election: I heard Obama has already canceled all the tax cuts he kept promising.
Coworker #2: I'm not surprised one bit. I have no idea how he duped so many people.

Guy sitting next to me on the bus on election day: Did you vote today?
Me: Yes, I did.
Guy: McCain?
Me: No. Obama.
Guy: Yeah, I like some things about Obama, but I don't trust him enough on foreign policy. For example, you know that McCain is going to stand up for Israel no matter what, but you don't really know what Obama would do if there was a decision over Israel. And I just think we should stick with our allies.
Me: I personally think America's unconditional support of Israel is a little ridiculous. We're always saying to the rest of the Middle East, "We know none of you like this, but we're just going to do it anyway." I understand it's good to have allies in that region, but I think a lot of other countries would be inclined to be our allies if they weren't so bent over Israel.
Guy: Well that's your opinion. I moved to the United States from Israel five years ago, but most of my family is still over there.
Me: Oh.

Final Days of the Race

• November 4th will actually be the first time I will ever vote. At 21-years-old, I could have voted the last three years, I know. But it hasn't really happened due to concern about whether I should register to vote in California or Utah coupled with the boringness of non-presidential year elections. I turned 18 less than two weeks after the 2004 presidential election, which I often look at as a blessing these days, as I totally would've voted for Bush, but now I can say "Well I never voted for the man, I have a right to complain."
  
• I have seen several pro-Obama campaign ads on TV in the last couple weeks (and none for McCain). Every time I see these, I want to shout: "What campaign strategist thought this was a good idea?! Spend your money elsewhere!" Not even the most optimistic Democrat could possibly think Obama has a prayer in the state of Utah. But I've recently heard that the Obama campaign is worried about getting all of the money they have spent before election day. This is probably why I'm seeing ads. What a problem to have. On Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me they were talking about ideas for how they could spend this money and someone suggested: if Joe Biden makes it to the 4th without saying anything else stupid, the Obama campaign will give everyone in American a free taco. That's change I can believe in.
  
• A couple weeks ago, I realized that election day was coming up, and I couldn't even tell you what I'd be voting for aside from president. But I've been doing my research since. As far as the "yes-no" type measures go, I'm voting "yes" on all of them. There is nothing controversial on those points. I agree with all of the Utah State Constitutional Amendments on the ballot because they're all simple changes made for clarity or for getting rid of something archaic. I'll agree that all of the judges stay on because there aren't any major problems with any of them. But I do have a vote for governor and for state- and federal-level congressmen, so those are somewhat exciting. I sometimes catch myself in an interesting mind-set when I think through these races. In an effort to not be Uninformed American Citizen Who Votes Straight-Party, I find myself tempted to do something almost as bad: be very purposely bi- (or even multi-) partisan. I'll be reading about the different candidates thinking things like, "Well, if I'm going to vote for the Democrat for this position, I should probably vote for the Republican for this position," or "Maybe I should throw in a third-party vote for one of these, just to make sure there's some representation there". I'm fighting it, but keep worrying that I'll end up being just as bad as the Straight-Party Voter.
  
• Aside from the presidential election, the most interesting thing to see on Tues night will be how the Prop 8 vote turns out in California. And if there are any friends of mine in CA who haven't voted yet (the only ones I can think of would probably be voting absentee, but you never know), I would highly encourage you to vote "yes" on Prop 8. Do it because you believe in the sacredness of traditional marriage or do it because you believe that democracy should trump abuse of judiciary power, but please do it. I, though generally fairly liberal on these things, think it's very important. This clip sums it up fairly well in my opinion:
• Confession: I know that it is the job of Uninformed American Citizen to vote for a candidate based on something ridiculous, and this obviously isn't the basis of my decision, but I still can't help thinking, whenever I hear John McCain speak, "This guy doesn't know how to use a computer. This guy is old. This guy said his favorite recent film was Casablanca." Visions of an old man struggling to utilize MS Office applications ("Cindy! What does this thingamabobber do?") swim in front of me and I can't help but think to myself "We expect him to run a country?" I know he's actually an intelligent man, and I try to fight these things. But it just happens.
• Perhaps some may argue with my assumption that McCain is an intelligent man above. McCain used to be smart in nearly everybody's eyes. But he has sold out. Sold out to his party and stuck to his guns on things that I think he could be more flexible on in a changing world. This article in Slate sums up what I'm talking about nicely.
• When I said I'd be voting "yes" on all of the "yes-no"-type ballot questions, I forgot a possible exception to that rule. On my sample ballot, there are 5 "American Fork City Ballot Propositions" on there, and until today I couldn't find anywhere that explained what any of them are, with the exception of a road bond, that apparently someone was bent enough over that there's a blog about it. And (here's a case of someone making a difference in their community through something simple), I'll probably vote "no" on that bond. Just because I have read a list of cons and nobody on the internet offered pros. Making a decision based on who-even-knows-whose arguments? Yes. I've decided it's too much work to be Informed American Citizen. And, I admit, I haven't even read any of the rest of the city proposals yet.
  
• And for something utterly useles, but highly amusing:

Chores

Note: This started out as a post that tried to be really deep about how household chores will always be part of the human condition and modern technology makes them easier in that we have machines to help and such but also makes things harder because we have so many possible ways to distract ourselves and we're used to comfortable lives, etc. However, it ended up sounding too dumb for publication so I erased it all (I know...I know...so many posts you've seen on this blog have been too dumb for publication, and why would I have this sudden change of heart? Well, the answer is this: I don't want to talk about dumb past posts, forget about them and I'll try to do the same). I instead wrote a short little useless post under the same post title. It went like this:

I like: laundry, mowing the lawn, general tidying, taking out the trash, cleaning the litter box.

I do not like: dishes, cleaning anything in the bathroom, floors (vacuuming/mopping/sweeping).

A couple times a month, things get so bad that: Every time I walk into the kitchen, I am faced with the question: "Do I do the dishes or just kill myself?" I seriously weigh the pros and cons of each option. I decide to decide later. This means they pile up further. I generally go with the former eventually, but it's a tough internal struggle.

Note: I realize that I have over-used colons in this post. I don't care; it is definitely my favorite punctuation mark. So much promise follows a colon. And including one often means a sentence ends up less wordy than it has to be. And colons sometimes mean lists, which I also like.

I love technology, always and forever

• The voicemail function on my phone hasn't worked for days and when I call Sprint to see if I can fix it, I just get a circular phone menu and can't get through to a person.
• My car will never run again.
• The computer I've been switched to at work has a grand total of 256 MB of RAM. I'm pretty sure that's as much as like, my graphing calculator.
  

Timeless Glam? Probably Not

So apparently Lindsay Lohan launched a line of leggings called 6126 a couple days ago. Why 6126, you ask? It Marilyn Monroe's birthday. According to Lindsay, Marilyn and her collection share a "timeless, confident glam". Ummm...leggings?

Leggings SCREAM 80s to most of us. There is very little less timeless than leggings to me. And can you imagine Marilyn Monroe in leggings? It would be horrific for a woman of her figure.

It took me a minute why this infuriated me so much. It's not like we expect Lindsay Lohan to make well-thought-out decisions. And it's certainly not the first time a pop icon has been used to promote something fairly unrelated to him or her. What it comes down to, though, is this:

A clothing line channeling Ms. Monroe would be an awesome thing. This awesome thing has been completely mangled by Ms. Lohan. While Marilyn, granted, does have some qualities I generally hate (fake blond hair, exploiting sexuality for profit, etc.), she represents a romantic, glamorous time when the women were curvy and being sexy involved a lot more teasing and a lot less overt sexuality. Lindsey represents a brand-driven Young Hollywood that would love to imitate the class of Golden Age Hollywood but never gets farther than wearing red lipstick and Marcel waves on the red carpet before someone's boob falls out of her dress. Leggings represent all the ugliness in the world.

Style Icon

This may not come as a surprise to those that know Emilee and I, but it still never ceases to amaze me when this happens. She came to town this weekend (hooray!) and as I embrace her in the first time in months, I notice: she and I are wearing virtually the same black turtleneck.

The first summer after I met Emilee, she and I both came back to Provo in the fall having purchased the exact same maroon polo while apart. The summer after that, she and I came back with the same blue top.

You see, Emilee and I went through the "fashion awakening" period of life during our time as roommates. As our tastes developed from the not-so-great high school style we started out with, we discussed clothes, went shopping, and watched Style Network together. And since we are both people of good taste (or so I like to believe), this was only a good thing. So here's to you, Emilee.

Overheard Conversation: Must-See TV

The moment we've all been waiting for has arrived. The VP debate. I expect this to have much higher ratings than your average vice-presidential debate, judging from all the talk there has been about it.

Coworker #1: Are you excited for tonight?

Coworker #2: Not at all.

Coworker #1: Why not? It's going to be a big night for Palin.

Coworker #2: Gwen Ifill is in no way unbiased. I can't believe they picked her to moderate.

Coworker #1: But won't people see right through that?

Coworker #2: In our country? Are you kidding me? People are raised on the liberal media and go through our liberal education system. If I were the McCain campaign, I would demand that they have someone else do it. Or even have a conservative moderator, since everything else is liberal-bent.

John McCain: I think Gwen Ifill is a professional and I think she will do a totally objective job because she is a highly respected professional...I have confidence that Gwen Ifill will do a professional job.

Sarah Palin: I'm not going to let it be a concern.

Coworker #1: I didn't know the moderator was a liberal. That's infuriating. I might not even watch it then.

Coworker #2: Yeah, well I'm having a few friends over to watch it at my house on the big screen; you're welcome to come join us.

Coworker #1: That would be great; I didn't have any plans for tonight other than watching it.

Love these people.

In other news, I tried ChaCha out yesterday and am already pretty sure it's the greatest thing ever. Because you never know when you're going to be at the bus stop and have it suddenly become very important to know which countries have legal gay marriage. I love the information age.

Business Plan

I am definitely not the "how can I make money off of this?" kind of person, so don't get me wrong here. This idea has come out of a sincere desire for a service that I and those like me would utilize daily. If I make tons of money off it, so be it. But this is for the people. And my yacht.

Here it is: A toll-free Wikipedia/any other resource website-on-demand hotline. Have you ever been in the car without internet access and thought to yourself "How old was Marie Antoinette when she died?" Did you resolve to look it up when you get home, but forget until it randomly crosses your mind in the grocery store (where you are also without internet access) a week later? Did the Unknown Factoid build into a major stress in your life that you can never quite pinpoint, reach the point where you bring a gun to work, shoot the place up, and end up on death row?

Our hotline can help. With [company name to be determined], you will never have to wonder about anything that can be found on the internet again! Here's how it works: you call in, listen to a brief advertisement and then a customer service representative with internet access will look up whatever you need to know. Want to know how many seasons Smallville has been on the air? No problem! Want to know what the average bra size for an American woman is? We've got it for you! Want to know what the ideal growing conditions for Easter Lilies is? We're here for you!

When I told Trevor about this great idea of mine, his response was something like, "You would be their number one customer. People aren't obsessed with every random thing they can think of like you are." Now, as a reader of my blog, I am assuming you are a dear friend of mine and therefore probably a bit of a trivia whore yourself, as these are the kind of people I gravitate toward. However, it's not just you and I that can find a use for this. Regardless of who you are, everyone has those moments walking out of the theater wondering, "What other film have I seen that guy in?", for just one example. No matter what a person's interests are, everyone uses the internet, so everyone would have a purpose for a hotline like this. It could be "Who won the Phillies/Brewers game this evening?" for the guy coming out of the business meeting, "What's the difference between chuck steak and flat iron steak?" for the housewife in the grocery store, "What are the requirements to get on Survivor?" for the I'm-going-to-be-famous-one-day 20 year-olds hanging out in the park, "Which UC schools have the highest and lowest tuitions?" for the worried high school student, "What was the name of that one lady who shot Andy Warhol and why did she do it?" for the crew at the coffee shop, or "Which film got better reviews: Sixteen Candles or Can't Buy Me Love?" for the indecisive couple in at Hollywood Video (on her night to pick, obviously).

Probably there would have to be some sort of stipulation on what kind of questions could be asked. I can see this being abused in a lot of ways (people who want to be read directions to a place they're traveling, want answers to something that would require an essay to answer, want an answer to something with an objective answer, etc.). The best way I can think of to address this would be to set a time limit. Tell the customer we'll give them as much information as we can find on whatever they want, but when time is up, that's it. If the customer calls in with "Tell me everything there is to know about Bangladesh", the customer service rep will give him or her a two minute rundown (perhaps after a pertinent question to help narrow it down a bit "Are you looking for history? Or perhaps you're wondering about tourist attractions? Contemporary culture?") and that'll have to be enough. If it's something that proves difficult to research ("What happens if a presidential candidate dies?") or to explain ("How does a sewing machine work?") the rep will give it the two minutes and if they can't find an answer, apologize and move on.

The company would be centered in a college town and offer very flexible scheduling and slightly-above-average hourly wages. This would hopefully attract intelligent, internet-savvy, college-aged employees. Turnover is high in all call center environments, but the job would be more interesting than the average marketing or customer service call center job, since you're learning things along with your customer, so I think it would be manageable. Especially since there isn't much training required.

The hotline would become archaic eventually, as more and more people are gaining mobile internet access, but there are definitely several years of potential in this.

I don't see how this could fail to make me filthy rich. Investors, please?