Dec 18, 2011

Christmas Songs

  • "Santa, Baby" - The main message of this song: "Women are extremely materialistic. The way they can get the sparkly things they desire: Be as sexually appealing as possible to men who have the power to give them what they want." And too many versions of this song are sung in that stupid annoying baby voice some women use when trying to be sexy despite the fact that the voice is only acceptable when used by Alison Brie.
  • "The Little Drummer Boy" - The melody is so boring and the song drags along sooo slowly. And, to quote Dave Barry, "If I were taking care of a newborn baby, and somebody came around whacking on a drum, that person would find himself at the emergency room having his drumsticks surgically removed from his rum-pa-pa-pum." I will, however, give a pass to the Bing Crosby/David Bowie version because it is just awesome that it exists (and the "Peace on Earth" stuff spices up the totally drab melody of "The Little Drummer Boy" stuff).
  • "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" - I'm sorry, but the kid is way too nonchalant about catching his mother kissing another man. Makes you wonder what other things the kid has seen Mommy doing.  Also, I'm not a fan of children's solo voices for some reason that I can't quite put my finger on (children's choirs are fine). And it weirds me out when adults sing it, so you lose either way.
  • "Christmas Shoes"- Cloyingly sentimental. And it would be better if it was told from the point of view of the cashier or in the third person instead of being all "Look at how I'm a great guy who gave the poor kid money to help his dying mother. That's what Christmas is all about!" And what kind of dying person wears shoes? The woman's probably not out-and-about a lot at this point. Come on now.
Okay-In-General, But Have Lines that Infuriate Me:
  • "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" - "You know Dasher and Dancer...but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?" - Umm, duh? He's the most famous reindeer of all. That's like saying "You've know Himmler and Koch and Goebbels and Heydrich, but have you heard of Hitler? The most famous Nazi of all!"
  • "Do You Hear What I Hear?" - "A child, a child, shivers in the cold. Let us bring him silver and gold." - Really helpful, guys. How about a blanket?
  • "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentleman" - Awesome.
  • "Sleigh Ride" - Awesome.
  • "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas" - Awesome.
  • "Silent Night" - Awesome.