Apr 22, 2009

Happy Earth Day Presents The Most Ridiculous Slate Environment Articles

I spend a fair amount of my internet free time at slate.com. I enjoy Slate because they tend to have interesting, informative articles about a wide variety of subjects and a high percentage of question-format headlines that are highly enticing to the inquisitive mind ("Why isn't there an iTunes for movies?" "It's 2009. Can a movie journalist still save the day?", "Why does Obama want us to forget about torture so quickly?", "How impressed should I be by Susan Boyle's vibrato?", etc., etc., etc.).

However, a certain department of the magazine, The Green Lantern, drives me completely mad. I am part of the Captain Planet generation and care about the environment as much as the next person, but you would not believe some of the articles they come up with. Things you would never think about the environmental impact of are scrutinized with such rigor that you're left amazed...who are these eco-nerds? The worst part is, there is rarely a conclusive verdict, so at the end you just kind of feel guilty about every option. Nothing humans do is 100% environment friendly. But the most overwhelming feeling is...who writes this stuff? And who reads it?

I have never, ever met anyone who micro-manages their life to maximize their ecofriendlyness. With the big stuff (how is my house powered? my car?), the environment at least gets a nod, but even then is not a deal-breaking factor. Granted, I live in Utah and it's not exactly the most concerned-about-the-environment place on earth, but still.

So today, on this Earth Day, I present to you the top ten most ridiculous Green Lantern articles:

Vegans vs. Vegitarians - Which is Better for the Environment?

Are Hardwood Floors a Crime Against The Earth?

Is Cash Better for the Environment than Credit Cards?

How to Send Flowers Without Destroying the Earth

How to Leave an Environmentally Friendly Corpse

Is Your Netflix Queue Destroying the Environment?

What Kind of Tree Should I Plant in My Backyard to Soak Up the Most Carbon?

Can Fun-Size Candy Bars Be Good For the Environment?

Are Revolving Doors More Energy Efficient? What About the Ones That Turn Automatically?

What's the Greenest Form of Birth Control?

I especially love the alarmist words: "destroying the environment" "crime against the Earth". You people with Netflix subscriptions and oak flooring in your houses might as well change your name to Hoggish Greedly. So terrible.


Earth Day Trivia: When I was looking up the spelling for Hoggish Greedly for this post, I discovered that most of the eco-villains on Captain Planet were voiced by pretty big celebrities: Dr. Blight was originally voiced by Meg Ryan. Sly Sludge was originally voiced by Martin Sheen. Verminous Skumm was Jeff Goldblum. Zarm was Sting. Crazy, huh?


dispatchfromoz said...

A few months ago they had one about how not ecofriendly long distance relationships were. Seriously. If someone used that as a reason to not be in a long distance relationship with me...I would destroy them. Who would even THINK about that?


Rachael said...

That makes no sense to me whatsoever. And I would probably also destroy them. :)

What I also don't understand are the people who say they are vegan to protect the environment and then drive big honking SUVs. Or the ones with the big ol all terrain vehicle types with the "Save Mono Lake" or whatever bumper stickers.

Cassie said...

I was reading an article the other day about cleaning with salt. One of the comments said that the salt would poison the earths fish and therefore kill the whole ecosystem. Apparently she has never heard of the OCEAN!! Stupid hippy.

Valerie said...

Wow. I never knew that Captain Planet was so celebritized.