Aug 18, 2013


I don’t feel the need to read fiction. There are too many facts to learn in non-fiction and only so much time. Facts accumulate to knowledge, I tell myself. Of course it’s not true, but facts are easier to obtain than knowledge. So I obtain, hoping for knowledge.

The only real pleasure comes from learning. I know I’m going to die before I know anything at all, and yet I desperately read, hoping for some sort of realization.

Or reach out for new experiences. Anything at all. Habits are destruction. Walk a different route each time. Note the architecture you pass. Note the people and the posters. Notice and it’ll mean something, right? Experience is almost as good as reading. More subjective, of course, but learning. Hoping for some sort of understanding.

Hoping that understanding/realization/knowledge means I’m not going to die.

I just want to know who I am. I know there’s no answer. But if you focus on that, you’re dead for sure. There’s nothing to learn if Unobtainable isn’t out there.

I’m just going to keep getting older and then I’m going to die. That’s how it works, it seems. I’m smarter and prettier and happier and more confident and more aware now than I have ever been. But I’m twenty-six years old. Things don’t just always get better. That’s the lie they told us when we came to America. Bubbles only float because they have so little time before they burst.

I have a hard time enjoying the summer because winter is so close.

Don't take this too seriously.


mom said...

That's what I love about you! You are always reaching for something, trying to obtain something more. What if we did reach the unobtainable though, what would we do then? Obtaining knowledge and wisdom are part of what make us alive! Maybe you are looking for something else though. You know everything else that I might say here because you taught it to me so many times over and over. Thanks. Love you!

Anonymous said...

hi there,I did what you are doing a few years ago I stopped reading fiction and went other paths to learn more.but now I am back to fiction in a limited way. you will never find me without a shakespeare in my bag or the french playwright Molière.I feel that balance is the key.

I found that when I was young I analyzed too much about what made me happy instead of just enjoying the moment and relaxing.
you study for the moment to feel an intellectual challenge.and in a way you can call it fun and satisfaction.
the other day I decided that the essence of happiness was to appreciate the beauty of life- in the darkest greif there will be some beauty.but oh well maybe that is a frivolous thought.
you don't have to go to college to be an artist.there are wonderful creative writing courses and visual art courses in the evening just a couple of hours a week. well I guess they help you appreciate the beauty of life.
they make me happy because they are like submissive easy lovers haha.
love and light to you and good luck!!