Just a Little Side Job

(originally posted at eclaircie.diaryland.com)

So, I'm now offically doing an advice column for church programs, anytime you need me, I'll be there. One happy customer:

violasonfire: hypothetically, what would you piece play if you were a violist on the bill for the next sacrament meeting and they needed to know for the program by tonight?
ajnmmjkk: i would play "love me tender"
violasonfire: so i asked...and love me tender is apparently not appropriate for church or something?
violasonfire: something about elvis being devilspawn?
ajnmmjkk: oh come on now...
violasonfire: (our music chair is very old fashioned...and old...and you saw the way he moved his hips)
ajnmmjkk: okay, then how about "my heart will go on"? always a winner
ajnmmjkk: AND celine dion keeps her hips under control in general
violasonfire: hmm
violasonfire: but that song was in a movie with very disturbing images
violasonfire: wouldnt want the sinners who saw it to be reminded of the evil...
ajnmmjkk: fine...then how about "hakuna matata"
violasonfire: hmm
violasonfire: ill ask
violasonfire: apparently
violasonfire: hakuna matata is a swahili thing
violasonfire: and since she is so old
violasonfire: well shes not be updated since the 60's
violasonfire: and missed the whole race equality thing
violasonfire: its a no go
ajnmmjkk: hmmm
ajnmmjkk: this person is tough to deal with
violasonfire: racist old folk are sometimes
ajnmmjkk: so new suggestion: violent coup of the stake music chair!!
violasonfire: hmm
violasonfire: thats going a little too far
violasonfire: remember this whole thing is hypothetical
violasonfire: i wouldnt actually get myself into such a quandry
ajnmmjkk: haha
ajnmmjkk: i see
ajnmmjkk: well, you can hypothetically stage a coup
violasonfire: oh
violasonfire: okay
violasonfire: but then id hypothetically still have to play
ajnmmjkk: but you wouldn't if you ran the music program!
ajnmmjkk: you could do whatever you wanted!
violasonfire: hmm
violasonfire: thats true
ajnmmjkk: so i'd do it anyway..just as a precautionary measure
ajnmmjkk: you could book metallica for sacrament meetings!
violasonfire: so we could have like...great balls of fire played on the organ?
violasonfire: oh metallica!
violasonfire: my fav
ajnmmjkk: metallica followed by great balls of fire..i'm thinking
ajnmmjkk: because great balls on organ is a very tough act to follow
violasonfire: good call
ajnmmjkk: yes
ajnmmjkk: well, that's why they call me a genius, hm?
ajnmmjkk: i'm thinking about doing an advice column
ajnmmjkk: especially for church music programs
violasonfire: youd be wonderful