Dangerous Dears

I love looking at classifieds. Even when I'm really happy with my employment, I will look through job postings about once a week. Even though I know I can't afford to buy a house at this point in my life, I will spend a hours every month looking at houses for sale all over the country (a typical project: Do research on weather, culture and such in Portland. Once Portland passes the test, set a price limit. Do research on the pros and cons of different parts of the city. Find the best house.)

But there is: one part of the classifieds that I must avoid. I want them all. Please.

Happy Earth Day Presents The Most Ridiculous Slate Environment Articles

I spend a fair amount of my internet free time at slate.com. I enjoy Slate because they tend to have interesting, informative articles about a wide variety of subjects and a high percentage of question-format headlines that are highly enticing to the inquisitive mind ("Why isn't there an iTunes for movies?" "It's 2009. Can a movie journalist still save the day?", "Why does Obama want us to forget about torture so quickly?", "How impressed should I be by Susan Boyle's vibrato?", etc., etc., etc.).

However, a certain department of the magazine, The Green Lantern, drives me completely mad. I am part of the Captain Planet generation and care about the environment as much as the next person, but you would not believe some of the articles they come up with. Things you would never think about the environmental impact of are scrutinized with such rigor that you're left amazed...who are these eco-nerds? The worst part is, there is rarely a conclusive verdict, so at the end you just kind of feel guilty about every option. Nothing humans do is 100% environment friendly. But the most overwhelming feeling is...who writes this stuff? And who reads it?

I have never, ever met anyone who micro-manages their life to maximize their ecofriendlyness. With the big stuff (how is my house powered? my car?), the environment at least gets a nod, but even then is not a deal-breaking factor. Granted, I live in Utah and it's not exactly the most concerned-about-the-environment place on earth, but still.

So today, on this Earth Day, I present to you the top ten most ridiculous Green Lantern articles:

Vegans vs. Vegitarians - Which is Better for the Environment?

Are Hardwood Floors a Crime Against The Earth?

Is Cash Better for the Environment than Credit Cards?

How to Send Flowers Without Destroying the Earth

How to Leave an Environmentally Friendly Corpse

Is Your Netflix Queue Destroying the Environment?

What Kind of Tree Should I Plant in My Backyard to Soak Up the Most Carbon?

Can Fun-Size Candy Bars Be Good For the Environment?

Are Revolving Doors More Energy Efficient? What About the Ones That Turn Automatically?

What's the Greenest Form of Birth Control?

I especially love the alarmist words: "destroying the environment" "crime against the Earth". You people with Netflix subscriptions and oak flooring in your houses might as well change your name to Hoggish Greedly. So terrible.

--------------------------------------------------------

Earth Day Trivia: When I was looking up the spelling for Hoggish Greedly for this post, I discovered that most of the eco-villains on Captain Planet were voiced by pretty big celebrities: Dr. Blight was originally voiced by Meg Ryan. Sly Sludge was originally voiced by Martin Sheen. Verminous Skumm was Jeff Goldblum. Zarm was Sting. Crazy, huh?

Happy Day After Easter / Every Now And Then I Fall Apart

How I Spent My Easter

While perhaps not the most fitting celebration of the Resurrection of Christ, Easter in our household mostly consisted of Mike and Trevor sneaking around the house and shooting each other with the dart guns that they got in their Easter baskets. Since this was Mike and Trevor, this involved a lot of elaborate scheming and the acting out of various male gun fantasies (sci-fi setting with laser guns, mafia hit men, cowboy duels, etc.). Brittany and I helped with the retrieving of ammo, the scheming ("Hey, could you help me for a second, I promise Trevor's not in here....Ahhahaha, he is in here!"), and were often held as hostages ("Do you want me to shot this woman?! Step closer and I'll do it!"). It was altogether a fine way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Also we had an Easter Feast at the in-laws, that somehow turned into me and my mother-in-law singing the full Saturday's Warrior soundtrack while the rest of the family stared at us blankly and/or begged for us to shut up. It was altogether a find way to spend a Sunday evening.

Thoughts On Break-Up Songs

The man who owned my truck before I did was a very old man and he left in the stereo a very-old-man CD that Trevor and I enjoy listening to from time to time. Most of the music on it is from the late 40s/early 50s (a lot of Perry Como, etc.), and the few songs that are more modern are, well...the Carpenters.

Anyway, this morning I was driving to work and decided to listen to the CD rather than my usual public radio regimen (why I choose this morning instead of every single morning during the recent pledge week, I don't know). During the Carpenter's rendition of "Superstar", I had an inexplicable attack of sadness. A moment of introspection revealed the source of this sadness: I had never listened to this song during a break-up and here I am married and I never plan on having a break-up again. But the song would be so good for it. "Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby?" I know it sucks and I know that any of you currently going through a break-up want to punch me in the face for saying it, but man, heartbreak is an amazing emotional experience.

Music is never truly appreciated until listened to after a hard break-up. I don't care how cheesy that sounds, because it's true. You have not been truly human until you have bitterly sung along to the Whitney Houston version of "I Will Always Love You" after having your heart broken. Or something equivalent.

Certain people (males) have an alternate version of this which involves angry, Rage Against the Machine type stuff, but I refuse to believe that it has the same redeeming power as "Alone" by Heart.

It is very nice being in a very secure relationship, and I certainly wouldn't trade it for the oppotunity to sing "Unbreak My Heart" and feel it, but I'm just saying, enjoy those moments when you have them. It's a worthwhile experience. I will always love the Format's Dog Problems album for getting me through a summer of heartbreak. And music's a much healthier outlet than the ice cream or alcohol or whatever kids do these days plans.

Dreams

I had a dream about make-up shopping on Tuesday and another one last night, so today I went make-up shopping.

Somewhere out there, William Lauder and Bobbi Brown are laughing maniacally and congratulating each other on the success of their neurotransmitter.

Drinking the Lake We're Drowning In

One thing that has always been hard for me to handle is knowing that I will never be able to do or learn all the things I want to do in life. I will never be fluent in every language; it's unlikely I'll ever be fluent in more than English. My house will never be 100% clean and organized; I can't even stay on top of the dishes most days. I will never understand entirely the politics and economies and cultures of the various nations of the world regardless of the effort I put into learning as much as I can about that sort of thing. I will never read every book that would be interesting and/or useful to have read. And thinking about what I don't know about the sciences is too frustrating to bother with. I just want to meet every person who has ever lived on earth, have a good long discussion with them about their life and all the wisdom and knowledge they have acquired over it's course and experience everything they've experienced (skipping over parts that involve physical pain, of course; there are some things I don't care if I ever experience, and what it feels like to have your fingernails pulled off in a Vietnamese prison camp is one of them, thank you). After that, can someone please explain to me how everything that humans don't understand yet works? (Side note: Notice how people always throw a "yet" into a statement about the limits of human knowledge? I love that.)

I have to believe in life and learning after death. I'd go completely mad without it.

I'm still alive.

Work keeps me really busy, but I love my job. Minus overbearing perfume lady.

Life is good. Just living it...I don't really have much to say, but feel guilty when I don't update. Not that I should.

So...uhh...CUTE KITTEN:
Time for Papa John's.

Update #280

It has been a few weeks, so here are the exciting things that have happened since last post:

1. We spent Valentine's weekend in Vegas with some friends. 88% of the trip was spent with Chad (who goes by Kain, but I think that's stupid, so I'm calling him Chad) driving around saying "I know where it is; we just need to turn around here...oh no, that's not it, let's go back...no, hold on, I know where it is..." Nonetheless, it was a good time. We ate some delicious food, stayed in a trippy hotel that I'm pretty sure is haunted (The Artisan), and did some fabulous shopping with money we didn't have.

2. I bought a truck a couple weeks ago. It's an ugly baby blue '86 (same age as me!) (also the song, "Walk Like an Egyptian"!) Nissan pickup and I love it. Having your own means of transportation that is not walking is the greatest thing of all time. Those of you that live in the area and have need for a truck to help move things sometime, give me a call. The years of bumming rides need to be paid back.

3. A week ago, I busted my manager at work for embezzlement. This is by far the most exciting thing that has ever happened in my work experience. He, who I will hereafter refer to as "Justin Berry" because that's his name, was funding loans to his own accounts. Under my name. Yes, friends, Justin would log into our software as me whenever he was doing something illegal. Luckily, I was the one that first brought this to the owner's attention and luckily he did some of his "work" from his home IP address, so I wasn't a suspect for longer than maybe 10 minutes, but still...it makes me furious. I've worked side by side with this man for a month and I thought we were friends. I still feel a little sick when I think about it. He has been incarcerated and will hopefully be sitting in jail for a chunk of his life for this and I am now the senior employee (it's a very new company, Justin was the first person they ever hired and I was the second) (also, I got a payraise shortly after this was all cleared up), so I suppose it's all good now. But yeah, it's crazy. We're still working to straighten up the mess he has created. In all, it was around $7500 that he stole over the period of a month. Fun stuff.

You Think You're Doing Something Special...

Some of you on facebook may have already witnessed this glory of a roommate routine (ah, the roommate routine...) filmed shortly before I got married, but it has recently been uploaded on youtube, so the whole world can see:



However, while searching youtube for the clip, I discovered we're not the only people in the world who have done this. Not that I honestly think it's particularly special or extraordinarily creative, but are you kidding me?:



Our choreography is better. If only Savannah wasn't off on every single one of the bicycling parts...

My Research Skills Haven't Quite Reached Perfection...

Apparently February 3rd is the day the music died. I suck.

Trivia for All!

Yesterday (Super Bowl Sunday):

• If the Super Bowl were a nation, it's gross national product would be roughly equal to that of North Korea.
• Antacid sales increase 20% on the day after the Super Bowl.
• The use of Roman numerals to denote which Super Bowl it is started with Super Bowl V and was used solely because the guy in charge of it (I can't remember what the position is called; NFL management is not an area where I have a lot of broad knowledge) at the time hated the name "Super Bowl" and wanted to make it a little more classy. (Also, I'm convinced the sole reason today's children are taught Roman numerals past Rocky V, is so they can know what Super Bowl we're on.)
  
• More guacamole is consumed in America on Super Bowl Sunday than any other day of the year except Cinqo de Mayo.
  

Today (Groundhog Day):

• Punxsutawney (known for their Groundhog Day celebrations simply because they put the most effort into it) has predicted six more weeks of winter over 90% of the time (since 1887), but this has been correct only 39% of the time.
• Groundhog Day started as some combination of the Christian holiday of Candlemas, (celebrating the presentation of Jesus at the Temple) and the pagan holiday Imbolc (which marks the day exactly between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox). I'm not exactly sure how this progressed into a groundhog predicting the weather. But Germans were involved. And possibly Native Americans.
  
• Punxsutawney Phil lives off of dog food and ice cream and lives in a local library.
  
• There is a plaque in Woodstock, IL (where most of the Groundhog Day film was shot) on the curb where Bill Murray's character continuously steps into a puddle that reads "Bill Murray stepped here". I really hope that someday human life is destroyed but this plaque survives and space explorers centuries later assume that Bill Murray had religious significance in our lives.
  

Tomorrow:

• Alberto Gonzales was confirmed as Attorney General on Feb 3, 2005.
  
• February 3rd is completely useless.