I will turn 27 this week

I'm So Old

• I enjoy reading the nitty-gritty paperwork on health care plans, credit card applications, etc.
• When making long-term plans for my life, I have to take into consideration how many years of fertility I have left.
• I think about wrinkles more than I think about zits when I'm worrying over my face.
• My next vehicle purchase will likely be a minivan (though this has to do with having a husband in a wheelchair than the usual reason of "kids").
• I have to make a point of exercising and eating well. My body actually cares now.
• If I stay up too late one night, I feel it for days. My body actually cares now.
• I don't care if you think I'm lame.

I'm So Young

• I get really excited by innovation in music, fashion, film, food, etc. Even when it's dumb innovation. I just like different.
• I want to be a neuroscientist/fashion designer/historian/comedy writer when I grow up.
• I still use the phrase "when I grow up." Also "when I'm rich someday."
• When presented with a new technological gadget or application, I figure it out quickly and thoroughly enjoy exploring new features.
• I think I'm smarter than most of the people I interact with in a ridiculous immature teenager kind of way.
• Farts make me laugh.
• I don't care if you think I'm weird.

Alternative

We've been listening to an Alt Rock station on the radio at work the last couple weeks. It's a nice break from the Top 40 stuff we'd been listening to for months before that. I don't have a problem with Top 40, but variety is nice.

• Some of the people I work with are very young. "Did they just say 'If you want to destroy my sweater'? That's a weird line.", "Who's Kurt Cobain?", "Haha, did you hear that line 'I'm a loser, baby, so why don't you kill me'? Pretty funny.", etc.
• As 30 Seconds to Mars sings "Lost in the City of Angels...The land of a billion lights",  I stop to think. Hmm, a billion seems high, let's see the population of LA is what like 4 million? [quick search] Okay, 3.8 million, so that's [quick calculation] 263 lights per person. Definitely too high. How many lights do I have as a person? I can see 1...2...3...okay, nineteen lights from where I'm sitting. And if you count all the lights in my house, it's probably another twenty. And that's counting little lights like the little blinking light on my computer here. But a lot of those lights are shared with other people, so I can't count them as personally mine, but even if I did, that's way too low. If every person had 40 lights that would be [quick calculation] 152 million, which is way short of a billion. Oh, and I guess there are street lights and headlights, but that can't make up that big of a difference. Holy cow, how long have I been thinking about this? I should get back to work. Oh wait! Christmas lights! Okay, if you count every light on a string of Christmas lights there are way more than a billion in Los Angeles. Some of them might only be on at certain times of the year, but fine, 30 Seconds to Mars, you win this one. And really we could safely assume they mean the Greater Los Angeles Metro Area instead of the specific city limits and that has [quick search], whoa like 17 million people. Okay, so you totally win, I'm sorry I ever judged you. What was I doing again, work-wise?
• I don't understand what the term Alt Rock can possibly mean in regard to modern music. Is there any current rock band that you wouldn't label "alternative"? I can't think of any. But what's it an alternative to? The rock music of the 70s and 80s? Can you really call that alternative when the other stuff is ancient history (pop culture-wise)?

New Plan

Actually an old plan, but newly cemented as definitely happening. We are moving to Los Angeles this winter (likely around February). For the old reason of "I'm going to go be a star!", while trying very hard not to succumb to the embarrassment of cliché. We're being practical about it. As practical as one can be about pursuing an acting/comedy career. Which is not very.

We're finally in a financial situation (barring any unforeseen events, of course) where the move will be possible, and while we've been talking about moving for a while now, Trevor is truly at the point now where he's ready for it to happen.

He'll be doing improv and possibly sketch classes through UCB and Groundlings and we'll kind of see how things go from there. I think he's excited to continue perfecting his craft with much higher level training than he'd ever be able to get here. And he's excited to be associating with people who are also trying to break into the industry and will hopefully have the same drive to write and perform and film. There are some very talented people here, but for most of them it's a hobby and when it really comes down to "let's set aside time to film this sketch" or whatever, it's really hard to get commitment.

I'm personally excited to be in better weather and closer to family and to live in a big city. I've never lived anywhere with more than 150,000 or so residents, but I've always felt like I'm kind of a city mouse. When I vacation in a big city, I always wish I was living there. I like the urban feel. I like being a part of a busy, crawling mass of people. Probably after a week of LA traffic, I'll realize it's not that great, but it's a city! With so much more to offer in the realm of art and food and music and fashion! If I had any money to experience it. Anyway...

We're too far out to be planning exactly where we'll be living or working, even though I really wish I could just nail that stuff down now so I don't have to stress out about it. We're tentatively looking at the East Hollywood/West Los Feliz/Thai Town area since it's close-ish to everything and fairly affordable and looks somewhat not sketchy based on what I've read and seen in pictures. We'll have to have some sort of scouting mission before really pinning anything down. North Hollywood might also be a possibility. Seems slightly less sketchy and also fairly affordable, but a little further away from Hollywood proper (where Trevor's classes will be, so we're trying to stay close, though it's not an area I think I want to live directly in). I don't know. I could ramble about LA neighborhoods quite a bit, but really don't actually know anything. Also, this is boring talk for anyone other than my two readers who are familiar with LA, so I'll shut up.

As far as work goes, I'll have to find something out there, which is the part I'm not looking forward to. We should have the money saved that we can survive two or three months while I find a job, but obviously the sooner the better. They say people going out there to act should get something with flexible hours since you never know when you'll have auditions and such, which probably means I should get something with flexible hours so that I can drive Trevor to stuff when needed. Which means I'll likely be a waitress. Which my feet will not like, but might be a nice change of pace to working in an office. I'm really tired of doing the kind of work I'm doing right now. If we weren't moving, I'd be doing everything I could to get going with college again. Because I really can't do this forever. Food service is a dead-end job as well, of course, but at least it's a different dead-end job than mine. Or, if I really luck out and can find something that pays decently enough, I would love to be a nanny. It's not usually as good of money or as flexible on the hours as waiting tables would be, so maybe not, but I really enjoy working with children and I think I'm pretty good at it. And it would be a more fulfilling job than anything else that I'm qualified for. I dunno. Rambling again.

Streamaleam

I don’t feel the need to read fiction. There are too many facts to learn in non-fiction and only so much time. Facts accumulate to knowledge, I tell myself. Of course it’s not true, but facts are easier to obtain than knowledge. So I obtain, hoping for knowledge.

The only real pleasure comes from learning. I know I’m going to die before I know anything at all, and yet I desperately read, hoping for some sort of realization.

Or reach out for new experiences. Anything at all. Habits are destruction. Walk a different route each time. Note the architecture you pass. Note the people and the posters. Notice and it’ll mean something, right? Experience is almost as good as reading. More subjective, of course, but learning. Hoping for some sort of understanding.

Hoping that understanding/realization/knowledge means I’m not going to die.

I just want to know who I am. I know there’s no answer. But if you focus on that, you’re dead for sure. There’s nothing to learn if Unobtainable isn’t out there.

I’m just going to keep getting older and then I’m going to die. That’s how it works, it seems. I’m smarter and prettier and happier and more confident and more aware now than I have ever been. But I’m twenty-six years old. Things don’t just always get better. That’s the lie they told us when we came to America. Bubbles only float because they have so little time before they burst.

I have a hard time enjoying the summer because winter is so close.

Don't take this too seriously.

Raid

I like to think of myself as a starving artist but I'm neither starving, nor an artist.

Coping with the recent cockroach infestation is easier when you have some sort of romantic mythology about it. Since freaking poison isn't doing its job.

Graduation Station

In the last ten days, two of my brothers, one of my sisters, and one of my brothers-in-law graduated from college. They're all different ages, but the timing of everybody's lives worked out that everybody finished their degrees this semester.

The most dignified graduation photo I could find of each of them.

I'm proud of each of them and excited for the bright futures they all have ahead of them. They're going out into the world to have real people jobs and everything. Weird.

But let's talk about me.

Watching these people, My People, getting College Degrees and entering the Productive American Professional Middle Class World kind of makes me want to go back to school. Though of course it's hard to know if it'd go any better than it has in the past. Based on any measure of my work ethic, the odds are fairly good that it'd be a waste of time and money. I do, however, dream of someday somehow coming into money and blowing it on school for something fun enough to be worth working my brains out. Like creative writing or costume design or neuroscience.

Until then, I'll keep working my hourly-wage job and marking "some college" when asked about my education. And despite all signs that I'm One of Them at this point, I'll keep thinking I'm better than my working-class neighbors because I read non-fiction books and use polysyllabic words sometimes. Extemporaneousness. Weltanshauungen, Rhinotillexomania. Yeah.

Dye Hard

I'm dying my hair this week. Because a change is always good. Except when it's bad. But hair change is always good. Except when it's bad. I'll keep you posted.

Some sort of dark red, I think.

I'm trying to keep the length I've got going on lately. Even though I feel like short hair is more stylish in general, I like the variety that long hair affords. New color will hopefully keep me excited enough to fight the urge to chop everything off. I might cut bangs again, though. Because the bangs I was growing out have finally gotten long enough to not be a nuisance anymore and I apparently hate myself.

Trevor's little brother got married on Saturday, and my new sister-in-law-in-law (I believe that's the correct title) is a hair stylist, so she will be assisting me. (Side note: check out some of the wedding documentation on Kenna's blog; which I mostly share because as a main planner/implementer of this short-notice wedding, I'm rather proud of what we got put together).

I feel like I should be blogging about more important things than hair, but then again, hair is probably more interesting to most people than me blabbing on about the existential crisis that is my life, etc. Not to mention much easier to put up a quick post about.

Songalong

I decided I'd admit it: I am not an intellectual.
I'm tired of being clever. Everybody's clever these days.
You're a few years overdue.
It wears me out.

I could be more clever.

Updateroo

Winston on the day we gave him away :(

• Still working out a lot. Currently drenched in sweat from hot yoga. And really not sure why I suddenly like this stuff so much. I was never ever into physical activities. But I guess it's good for me.
• Winston is no longer a part of our family. He was just too big and active of a dog for our house. And we couldn't figure out a way to supervise him as much as he needed or any good way of enclosing him somewhere during the day where he wouldn't be able to chew cords and jump on Trevor and it caused one too many problems. He has a new family now where he's hopefully enjoying more space and living a good life. I love him and it makes me really sad that my puppy is gone, but it's for the best. We were idiots for getting a dog without knowing anything about him. Noob mistake. I feel like a total failure when I think about Winston pup. I tried so hard for the four months we had him, but I just didn't have the time and space for him. Super depressing. We'll get a smaller and less active dog next time. Probably not until after we move (dogs make moving harder). I definitely want one again, but we were not ready this last time.
• Trevor will be filming a sitcom pilot in LA next week. It's fun to dream about what could happen if the show gets picked up and takes off (what will I wear to the third season premier party?), but I know that very few TV pilots actually get made into shows and very few TV shows last very long, so let's not think too far ahead. The immediately exciting thing is that Trevor will be getting some good experience in the industry he hopes to make a career of.
• I'm almost done reading Brigham Young: Pioneer Prophet, and it is pretty good. Not Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling good, but still something I can't put down. I've been a little obsessed with Mormon history lately. Mormon history is my history. A lot of my ancestors are good old-fashioned Mormon pioneer polygamist sorts. And I, of course, grew up very into Mormonism as my faith. I only ever read the official church histories growing up, though, and it's been utterly fascinating to put the stories I've known my whole life into the greater historical context and think about them academically rather than spiritually. 

Exercise

Note: I wrote this post when I was very sick last Wednesday and apparently never hit post. It is not very well-written, which I will blame on being very sick, but I'm not editing now because I'm tired. Deal with it.

I had no New Year's Resolutions having to do with my health this year, but my ride to work did, so I ended up getting a gym pass with her and have been going to the gym for an hour before work three or four days a week for the last month. I would never have done it if it weren't for the friend I'm going with, but it does feel pretty good (except the getting up early part). We do a lot of different stuff at the gym, which I guess is good so we're not getting bored and we're constantly challenging our bodies with different routines. Some days are straight cardio on the treadmill or stair machine or elliptical or cycle; some days are straight weight machines focusing on arms or legs or abs or whatever on any given day; some days are a mix of cardio and strength stuff. I've discovered I have really weak arms. Arm days are always the sorest for me later. The rest of me's in pretty decent shape, but there's always more strength and endurance and flexibility to work on.

Having a small apartment and a big dog means I spend a lot more time outdoors than I would usually during the winter. I take him outside for walks and fetch for at least an hour every day. It's great bonding time for me and Winston and even with the cold it's great to be outside so much. And of course, it's even more exercise for me.

I've spent so little time online lately. I never know what's on the frontpage of reddit anymore. I only check facebook maybe once a day. I only check the blogs I follow about once a week. I'm still a nerd more than a jock, though, I promise.

I have a hard time spelling exercise. There are tons of ways to spell it that make sense to me. Exersize, Excersise, Excersize, Exercize, etc.

Or maybe I'll never write again

I'm never on a computer outside of work these days. We got a kindle for Christmas and it's all the internet I need, but it's a huge pain to write on. I'm writing on it now, so I'm going to stop. Because, you know, huge pain.

New Year's Resolution

I'm going to write more this year. But I'll mostly write short pointless things.