Happy Earth Day Presents The Most Ridiculous Slate Environment Articles

I spend a fair amount of my internet free time at slate.com. I enjoy Slate because they tend to have interesting, informative articles about a wide variety of subjects and a high percentage of question-format headlines that are highly enticing to the inquisitive mind ("Why isn't there an iTunes for movies?" "It's 2009. Can a movie journalist still save the day?", "Why does Obama want us to forget about torture so quickly?", "How impressed should I be by Susan Boyle's vibrato?", etc., etc., etc.).

However, a certain department of the magazine, The Green Lantern, drives me completely mad. I am part of the Captain Planet generation and care about the environment as much as the next person, but you would not believe some of the articles they come up with. Things you would never think about the environmental impact of are scrutinized with such rigor that you're left amazed...who are these eco-nerds? The worst part is, there is rarely a conclusive verdict, so at the end you just kind of feel guilty about every option. Nothing humans do is 100% environment friendly. But the most overwhelming feeling is...who writes this stuff? And who reads it?

I have never, ever met anyone who micro-manages their life to maximize their ecofriendlyness. With the big stuff (how is my house powered? my car?), the environment at least gets a nod, but even then is not a deal-breaking factor. Granted, I live in Utah and it's not exactly the most concerned-about-the-environment place on earth, but still.

So today, on this Earth Day, I present to you the top ten most ridiculous Green Lantern articles:

Vegans vs. Vegitarians - Which is Better for the Environment?

Are Hardwood Floors a Crime Against The Earth?

Is Cash Better for the Environment than Credit Cards?

How to Send Flowers Without Destroying the Earth

How to Leave an Environmentally Friendly Corpse

Is Your Netflix Queue Destroying the Environment?

What Kind of Tree Should I Plant in My Backyard to Soak Up the Most Carbon?

Can Fun-Size Candy Bars Be Good For the Environment?

Are Revolving Doors More Energy Efficient? What About the Ones That Turn Automatically?

What's the Greenest Form of Birth Control?

I especially love the alarmist words: "destroying the environment" "crime against the Earth". You people with Netflix subscriptions and oak flooring in your houses might as well change your name to Hoggish Greedly. So terrible.

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Earth Day Trivia: When I was looking up the spelling for Hoggish Greedly for this post, I discovered that most of the eco-villains on Captain Planet were voiced by pretty big celebrities: Dr. Blight was originally voiced by Meg Ryan. Sly Sludge was originally voiced by Martin Sheen. Verminous Skumm was Jeff Goldblum. Zarm was Sting. Crazy, huh?

Happy Day After Easter / Every Now And Then I Fall Apart

How I Spent My Easter

While perhaps not the most fitting celebration of the Resurrection of Christ, Easter in our household mostly consisted of Mike and Trevor sneaking around the house and shooting each other with the dart guns that they got in their Easter baskets. Since this was Mike and Trevor, this involved a lot of elaborate scheming and the acting out of various male gun fantasies (sci-fi setting with laser guns, mafia hit men, cowboy duels, etc.). Brittany and I helped with the retrieving of ammo, the scheming ("Hey, could you help me for a second, I promise Trevor's not in here....Ahhahaha, he is in here!"), and were often held as hostages ("Do you want me to shot this woman?! Step closer and I'll do it!"). It was altogether a fine way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

Also we had an Easter Feast at the in-laws, that somehow turned into me and my mother-in-law singing the full Saturday's Warrior soundtrack while the rest of the family stared at us blankly and/or begged for us to shut up. It was altogether a find way to spend a Sunday evening.

Thoughts On Break-Up Songs

The man who owned my truck before I did was a very old man and he left in the stereo a very-old-man CD that Trevor and I enjoy listening to from time to time. Most of the music on it is from the late 40s/early 50s (a lot of Perry Como, etc.), and the few songs that are more modern are, well...the Carpenters.

Anyway, this morning I was driving to work and decided to listen to the CD rather than my usual public radio regimen (why I choose this morning instead of every single morning during the recent pledge week, I don't know). During the Carpenter's rendition of "Superstar", I had an inexplicable attack of sadness. A moment of introspection revealed the source of this sadness: I had never listened to this song during a break-up and here I am married and I never plan on having a break-up again. But the song would be so good for it. "Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby?" I know it sucks and I know that any of you currently going through a break-up want to punch me in the face for saying it, but man, heartbreak is an amazing emotional experience.

Music is never truly appreciated until listened to after a hard break-up. I don't care how cheesy that sounds, because it's true. You have not been truly human until you have bitterly sung along to the Whitney Houston version of "I Will Always Love You" after having your heart broken. Or something equivalent.

Certain people (males) have an alternate version of this which involves angry, Rage Against the Machine type stuff, but I refuse to believe that it has the same redeeming power as "Alone" by Heart.

It is very nice being in a very secure relationship, and I certainly wouldn't trade it for the oppotunity to sing "Unbreak My Heart" and feel it, but I'm just saying, enjoy those moments when you have them. It's a worthwhile experience. I will always love the Format's Dog Problems album for getting me through a summer of heartbreak. And music's a much healthier outlet than the ice cream or alcohol or whatever kids do these days plans.